The last two mornings I've been in CRAZY pain and had no idea why. Chest and lower back hurting, terrified, laying in bed crying.
Anyone who follows me on twitter or Facebook has obviously seen that I've been at the hospital/doctor quite a bit lately having tests run and generally getting jabbed with needles over and over until I literally wanted to throw things.
And then yesterday morning, I woke up in so much pain I legitimately thought I was dying. I got up to take pain meds and try to make myself feel better, brushed my teeth, etc... and I started hemmorhaging. Within the span of twenty minutes I'd lost so much blood (and nothing I was doing was stopping it, believe me, I tried), that I could no longer stand up.
I had to call Zach's mom and tell her that I needed to go to the ER. Zach woke up to drive me and the look on his face told me that I looked as close to death as I felt. I've never seen him so scared.
Intake at the Emergency Room was quick, and next thing I knew I was hooked up to an IV getting fluid and blood transfusions as well as Zofran and pain medications so that I could finally speak (I was at a 9 out of 10 on the pain scale by the time they took me in, and could no longer speak). They ran tests and determined that all of the hell I've put myself through is finally catching up to me. All my blood counts were absurdly low, and the highest my blood pressure ever got was 80 over 55. I fell asleep and woke up to food that I knew I'd have to eat, and I did without an ounce of complaining, even though the eating disorder part of my brain was SCREAMING for me to stop. Bleeding had stopped, and after eating my bp rose by about ten points, so they ran a few more tests and determined there was nothing else I could do, informed me that at this point it was in my hands, and wished me the best of luck at eating disorder rehab, because without it this could happen again, and I'd be dead.
I do not want to die, dammit.
I am not done fighting.
I've tried hard lately to eat, have refrained from exercising like I used to, have attempted to let my body rest... but after eleven years this vessel I've been given has started to sink. Thank God I finally chose to get help, because after yesterday, I realize that there's a very real chance that my time would almost be up without some intervention.














