The Caged Bird

song in my head.

there's an incredible song by a band called Sherwood that has always resonated with me in a way that I'm not sure anything else has. sometimes I can't hear it, because it makes me want to cry, and other times listening to it brings me an insane amount of joy. the title is the same as that of this post, and if you look it up, read the lyrics, and listen to the chords, I think you'll understand.

tonight, I had a different meaning behind those four words.
someone was the music occupying my thoughts, and the words slipped out almost effortlessly, a melody going along with every single word, and all I could think was, is this it?

 

I'm playing a show, THE show, in ten days. It's all I've ever dreamed of, and there is nothing more on earth that I've wanted more, and once it's over (and I say this with all honesty and truth and every fiber of my being) if I never play anywhere again, it'll be alright. And a few hours ago a song exploded out of nowhere, and now it's going to be the final one of my performance at the most important venue in Hollywood.

 

I can't believe I just said that.

 

my dad said something to me the other night, something he has never said about anyone or anything, and when he said it I pushed it aside as something silly, something placating, something unrealistic but pretty. right now I'm thinking, my God, was he right? this song is it. this song is the musical version of those words from my father.

 

and if I'm wrong and this song isn't the one that stays, the one I replay over and over as I fall asleep each night, I'll be alright. I'm not looking for the song, one song for forever and always, no other music in my life, but if this song feels the same way tomorrow that it does now, and the same way after the show that it did before, then maybe, just maybe, I have what it takes.

 

and my daddy was right.

I can't believe I'm writing this.

... but here it is, in black and white (and red!) for the entire effing universe to see.

 

because oh my god, oh my DEAR GOD it is happening.

I'm playing at the birthplace of American rock on February 1st for thirty effing minutes with my best friend/guitarist, and I am going to knock the SHIT OUT OF THAT SHOW.

 

I can't believe it's real, but it is, and I honestly couldn't be happier.
If you're in the LA area, please come see me. The tickets are $10, but I'll buy yours if you'll just show up. I finally get a chance to share my heart and soul with an audience that isn't my stupid school or immediately family, and dammit, I want you there.

 

Thank you, all of you, every comment and e-mail and supportive tweet, you have all gotten me here and I couldn't be more grateful. You will never know what you've done for me.

I'm getting tired of starting again.

The last several days have been proof that I don't need to spend time in this town anymore. The friends I have here, with the exception of a few, are miserable here and tend to deal with that misery by making poor choices. I'm smart enough to "rise above the influence", but due to my depression and frustration with the way things are going, I've messed up in the past few days and somewhat destroyed something that was making me happy.

 

I can't handle being in my hometown right now. I'm not sure what triggered it, but being here makes my anxiety nearly unbearable. Since I've realized that, I can take steps to fix things, and I'm happy about that, but I can't undo or really make up for what's happened, and that more than anything else is a crushing weight on me that I don't really see lifting until I leave for LA permanently.

 

I also just noticed how long it'd been since I'd written here.
You can tell I'm hurting when I don't even write.

no other road, no other way...

"I can't control my destiny, I trust my soul. My only goal is just... to be."

 

This weekend I celebrated my life, my continued journey for healing, my friendship with two AMAZING people, and my crazy but incredible love for the city I live in by getting another tattoo.

 

It's not finished, because it lacks a quote, "la vie boheme."

 

[ohm: it's a sort of universal spirituality. it's a symbol of belief and balance. in many eastern religions it is a preface to a prayer, or meditiation. a way to calm the mind and senses so that the main focus is the connection with the spiritual. the symbol represents several different things. the lower curve represents the waking state, the the sleep state is the upper left curve, forming what looks like the number three. in between the two, branching out to the right, is the dream state. the dot at the top represents conciousness, and the curve below it says that you can not reach total conciousness (the dot) by holding onto limits.]

 

I am not giving up. My heart and my sould are forever indebted to the words and music of Jonathan Larson, and right now is not my time. I've been through hell, but my dreams haven't come true and my journey hasn't ended, so yesterday I took a moment to make a mile marker on my life map; to acknowledge that this is where I am, and I'll never be here again, but it a lot for me to get here, and I'm proud of how far I've come.

 

No day but today.