The Caged Bird

My heart is heavy tonight.

The beautiful, incredible, vibrant Jackie got some terrible news, just on the heels of WhyMommy (Susan Niebur) losing her battle. I hate cancer. I hate the unfair and imbalanced and random, harsh ways it takes those we love without giving us time to gather our thoughts, and the way a diagnosis may mean years of saying goodbye but never being ready when the final day comes.

On top of all that, a life in the making was lost, a very desperately longed-for life, and having been through what I have, when I heard that news I immediately broke into tears. So much loss, so much hope for the future that has been ripped away and replaced with whys and what ifs.

In the midst of all this, I'm clinging to the hope that this year HAS to be better than last year. I don't think any of us could take it. and my God, what a fight we put up just to make it to where we are now, each of us suffering and reeling from the storm that was 2011.

The sun has to come out soon.

Incroyable.

Where did I go right?
How did I get you?

 

I don't know how I did, but somehow now... I do.

 

I'm about to play the biggest show of my life. I climbed a mountain yesterday and spent tonight on the beach/walking around Venice for hours, alone and amazed and in awe of the place I'm in, and on top of all of it, I'm finally being treated like I'm special, like I'm beautiful, like I'm talented and amazing and that I deserve all the good things that are happening.

I had no idea it would turn out this way.

 

If you'd told me five years ago, when this path started, I'd have laughed in your face, fallen apart, been shocked and afraid and unsure that it could ever possibly work, but looking back on every single moment, every tear I've cried and all the lonely, hopeless nights, I can see a pathway forming that leads to an incredible, beautiful future with some of the most amazing people I've ever met.

 

"And I wonder, as I sing along with you,
if anything could ever be this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again?"

 

 

and I promise, the only thing I'll EVER ask of you... you've gotta promise not to stop when I say when.

song in my head.

there's an incredible song by a band called Sherwood that has always resonated with me in a way that I'm not sure anything else has. sometimes I can't hear it, because it makes me want to cry, and other times listening to it brings me an insane amount of joy. the title is the same as that of this post, and if you look it up, read the lyrics, and listen to the chords, I think you'll understand.

tonight, I had a different meaning behind those four words.
someone was the music occupying my thoughts, and the words slipped out almost effortlessly, a melody going along with every single word, and all I could think was, is this it?

 

I'm playing a show, THE show, in ten days. It's all I've ever dreamed of, and there is nothing more on earth that I've wanted more, and once it's over (and I say this with all honesty and truth and every fiber of my being) if I never play anywhere again, it'll be alright. And a few hours ago a song exploded out of nowhere, and now it's going to be the final one of my performance at the most important venue in Hollywood.

 

I can't believe I just said that.

 

my dad said something to me the other night, something he has never said about anyone or anything, and when he said it I pushed it aside as something silly, something placating, something unrealistic but pretty. right now I'm thinking, my God, was he right? this song is it. this song is the musical version of those words from my father.

 

and if I'm wrong and this song isn't the one that stays, the one I replay over and over as I fall asleep each night, I'll be alright. I'm not looking for the song, one song for forever and always, no other music in my life, but if this song feels the same way tomorrow that it does now, and the same way after the show that it did before, then maybe, just maybe, I have what it takes.

 

and my daddy was right.

I can't believe I'm writing this.

... but here it is, in black and white (and red!) for the entire effing universe to see.

 

because oh my god, oh my DEAR GOD it is happening.

I'm playing at the birthplace of American rock on February 1st for thirty effing minutes with my best friend/guitarist, and I am going to knock the SHIT OUT OF THAT SHOW.

 

I can't believe it's real, but it is, and I honestly couldn't be happier.
If you're in the LA area, please come see me. The tickets are $10, but I'll buy yours if you'll just show up. I finally get a chance to share my heart and soul with an audience that isn't my stupid school or immediately family, and dammit, I want you there.

 

Thank you, all of you, every comment and e-mail and supportive tweet, you have all gotten me here and I couldn't be more grateful. You will never know what you've done for me.